CBT & My Steps.

Yesterday I was able to look up some information about exactly HOW I should start this journey. Of course there are many aspects to this, I understand WHY I should feel better, I understand WHEN i want it to happen, but when it comes to really feeling, well normal, I thought to myself "well how the hell am I going to make that happen?"

I have gone to psychotherapy at one of my darker points before (which I'm sure I will eventually go more into detail), but i felt that my therapist was 100% disinterested in me and that just made me feel like I was even more worthless, then I would want to lie to her about crazy things for her to notice me, and then it just got to be really unhealthy. Yes. I would lie to a therapist because I wanted her to realize how exactly MESSED UP I was, I needed a reaction and attention which kind of just tells you how far in the rabbit hole I was [She never got the hint, that adventure didn't last long]. The following is very old poem that I wrote which kind of examines my feelings.

Psychotherapy Session 1.

She sits down in the leather seat 

with an unexpected grin on her face.

I break the ice. 

Name; Age. 

Let’s skip the bullshit. 

I ask if she is depressed, 

What else would she be doing her? 

She laughs. 

“Depression. A mental state characterized by a 

pessimistic sense of inadequacy? 

No. I am adequate. I am optimistic.” 

Denial. This is normal in teenage girls, 

especially ones like her. 

“Good, Good. Tell me, 

What are you optimistic about?”

All emotions abandon her body. 

Now we are getting business done. 

“My senior prom. 

Beauty has never known my name, 

but this is the time for the spotlight. 

I get my hair done, 

frozen into perfection.

I get my makeup done, 

airbrushed to porcelain.

I get the dress, 

hugging my body like a new skin. 

I get the guy, 

who sighs as I walk down the stairs.”

She is a high school

cliché bitch. 

I “Mhmm” her along, 

making sure she sees me 

looking at the clock. 

Five minutes. 

“It is all planned out. 

I walk into the gym,

and we dance the night away. 

In the middle of the night,

everyone is having so much fun, 

and I will grab my purse. 

With people moving like they are 

seizing to the beat,

they won’t notice the blade 

I pull from my clutch. 

At the center of the dance floor, 

I complete my dream, and slit, 

carotid to carotid.

My blood will complete the look 

of every girls sparkling ball gown around me. 

I am adequate, I am optimistic..” 

She stands up with the grin 

that must be her default face, and leaves.

I go after her, but there is nothing I can do. 

Her time is up. 

Note: Kayla has not returned to psychotherapy. I check the news each week that a local high school is having a prom. No suicide has been reported.

I also have been prescribed meds for depression and anxiety. I will NEVER forget the first day I took them while I was in high school. I was sitting at a table, literally chattering and clenching my teeth because I could not control my body. I just felt like i was in an extreme caffeinated state, I would almost describe it as high, where I was feeling okay, but i could not get over the simple fact that it was almost in pain because of shaking and jittering, and at the end of the day, not really in control. Of anything!

I decided that I would want to eventually get off of the meds, instead of trying new ones, because I was just really stubborn and looking back at it, I should have been more open to my family, to jake, and I should have just gotten more help. As a *semi aware* person, I really disagree with my younger self about not wanting to do meds. People who have colds take meds. People who have broken bones take meds. People who have diseases take meds. People who have mental health issues have disorders who need to take meds. It now seems to me to be pretty simple.

Of course, being stuck in depression, anxiety, and insomnia, it just felt like i was ALWAYS ALONE. I tried to ignore my mental health because it was more of a burden and I hated admitting it and instead of trying to be more active in fixing it, I would mask it with humor and vulgarity. When it would come to social situations, I would try to blend in and become invisible, and thats if i even went to them. I just don't know how to act around people, which is still a huge struggle for me. I feel like I have to juggle so many masks because, well, I guess I'm too ashamed to just be myself. So I have to put on the dumb mask, the funny mask, the bro mask, all these stupid masks because I guess i felt more acceptable and more invisible if I put on a front and no one really got to know the real me. This way, I didn't  (and currently don't) have to admit how messed up I am, but that means that no one is able to get close, either.

As I'm becoming more self aware and learning more about the ebb and flow of my illness, I'm realizing how important support systems are. I'm a person who has been known to say "I have no friends." It's not meant to be hurtful, but thats me being pretty truthful. I'm surrounded by people that I love and respect all the time, but when it i would have days off or anything unrelated to derby where I am by myself, it was a struggle because I didn't feel close enough to anyone to do something with. I would/am crippled with anxiety by picking up the phone and asking a teammate to get lunch because I'm afraid the reaction. Typing this out, Im thinking to myself "KAYLA YOU SOUND CRAZY!" *which is a word i'm learning is really unacceptable* but its the truth. Some people may reply "Oh, we can hang out just yell at me!" Well, the part on my end is full of a lot of emotions, and its hard for me to even get out bed or my house sometimes, so if there is no call out from another end, then there is really no hope.

NOW THIS ISN'T A SAD STORY. It's really not that sad! Its just my normal life, and this is how I'm used to it! It's just now that I am trying to get better, I realize how polarizing my life and my mental health has kept me trapped for so long and I'm ready to come out. But please be prepared, this is going to take a lot of force and strain on my part, and it may come off as annoying, overwhelming, and awkward, but hey, thats just me!

So yesterday, I was looking up some stuff and ran into this article about Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. It just really stuck out to me. Did you guys know about this internet thing, there is so many things on it! Anyways, it really is about how we perceive things in our lives and how we feel emotionally based on those perceptions  and the situation. To me, this is basically trying to get me out of thinking that people won't like me and that i'm not worth to like "HELLO REAL WORLD, THIS IS A MORE REALISTIC THOUGHT AND PERCEPTION AND NOW YOU CAN REACT APPROPRIATELY." (i said that in a cone heads voice... now you will too.)

I posted the following, and just wanted to give a little more insight on what this means to me.

It's really hard to be positive about yourself. That's my biggest struggle, that I am conquered by negative self talk. Trying to take action by #1 being outwardly positive and supportive of the people around me, #2 try to fake it till I make it #3 put passion into something to feel proud of and #4 try to accept compliments and love from others.

It takes practice, and failure, and trials, and doing weird things for it to come natural. Just like derby. I started skating with shaking legs and no confidence- sounds similar to a lot of other things in life. I have to be willing to be vulnerable, willing to look dumb, but willing to get back up and try again. It took me probably a whole year to feel comfortable and natural at crossovers, and didn't have experience before to have bad habits. After years of depression, anxiety, and body image issues, I have a lot to reflect on and correct, but (for lack of a better word) YOLO. ‪#‎thighsontheprize‬

The steps I set out are pretty clear.

1. Being outwardly positive and supportive to the people around me. Remember when I mentioned that this may seem forced and overwhelming earlier? Its a struggle for me to tell the people around me how much the mean to me, because I'm afraid they will not feel mutual or even judge me for not even knowing them that well. But my hopes are that this can create more meaningful relationships with the people that inspire me, and also create a mutual support system.

2. Try to fake it til I make it. Honestly, I just have to change the way I perceive things. even If i know its soooo different for me, I am forcing myself to step out, be more social, take off the masks, and even though I don't know how I'm going to be, I'm just going to fake like I know what I am doing until something starts to change.

3. Put passion into something to feel proud of. This is a lot of things for me. My number #1 priority is myself. I want to become healthier, stronger, and I want to feel proud of what I am. But that is going to be a while. I also want more tangible things, like more success at work, I want this blog to become consistent and maybe something kind of neat. and last but not least, derby. Pretty clear that it is hands down my biggest passion in life, success is so sweet when I know I have done everything I can. I want the success to feel sweeter, I know there is more that I can do.

4. Try to accept compliments and love from others. This is definitely a perception thing. I have been bullied and ridiculed, so when people who are genuine and complimentary, it really makes me question if they are being serious or if they are sarcastic. To be honest, sometimes I take things like compliments and even people asking me for help or feedback like a bitch because I have no idea how to accept it so I ignore that. And I am sorry for that if I have ever done it. This has also effected my derby career so much because I shut down to a lot of feedback and don't know how to take it as constructive because I'm only used to the criticism part, from myself and others, so I end up feeling overwhelmed because I've let people down, even if thats not the situation. 

Today is a good day, because its a BOUT DAY! That means I will be surrounded by so many people, and I will be able to push myself and work on my self CBT and I can do all the action steps that I have set up for myself. That means being super posi, telling people how much they mean to me, be posi to myself, push HARD for this game, and accept compliments. That also means I am forcing myself to go to the after party and socialize with people* not just sit in a corner like I normally do, if i even go at all!

I also want to point out, this no where near touches the points of HOW HARD it was for me to even start and stay i roller derby. That is a whole other story. This community and life style is really taxing and has its own journey of struggles.

Welp, that about wraps it up for me today.

Here is a video promo for the blog.

I also am in the process of updating the blog. The photo for the blog is from Jenny Jones, who obviously is amazing and awesome and made this kick ass logo!

If you have any questions, want to talk, want to participate in this blog, contact ThighsonthePrize@gmail.com. I'm setting up a facebook   but its pretty rough right now. Its all a process! My life/brain is so chaotic at times, but I'm trying to make a routine. Thanks for even reading at all. I mean it. If you've gotten down to this part, its because you either know me, or you've been in the same place, or your just curious. It means a lot though, and to someone it could mean the world to share their story and someone at least listen. Being heard can be powerful.

If you are interested in learning more about CBT, there are a million websites, but there is this like HERE at PsychCentral which also has links to learn about other psychotherapy types.