Why I got my fat ass in roller skates.

Honestly, roller derby had been something I wanted to do since I saw the preview for whip it. Of course, those women were all skinny gorgeousnesses, and while i am still gorgeous ( ;) ) the skinny athletic part not so much.

I had played basketball for EVER. It was my heart and soul, I was on in elementarty school, middle school, even a special league for good girls around your region, and all of high school. I was always the biggest girl, the slowest girl, the most out of shape, but i was the HARDEST, BEST cheerleader ever! And I truly think i touched a lot of girls' hearts on my team. When it was my last year, one of the girls who was younger than me wrote a truly breathtakingly nice note and i cried and showed my coaches and they cried and said it was true..

I was the girl that literally would throw up, then say GOOD JOB GIRLS YOU"RE DOING AWESOME, and then finish last. I sprained my ankle 10 times my senior year, but didn't stop practicing. I contracted MRSA, a deadly staph infection (which is now totally overrated) in the peak of its time, so instead of missing practice, I would tape up my shoulders/armpits to practice with.

I was a captain for JV, and that was really awesome. On the Varsity team, my coach said i was the sort of "bench captain," where the girls could count on talking to me with things and I could get everyone pepped up. I won awards on how awesome I was, as a non awesome basketball person. The 6th man, Best Spirited, blahblah.

I was always a black sheep. Like, always. In high school, basketball, my family, like always. there was even a time when I was going threw a terrible risque time, there were girls that would threaten me in the halls, and they even had a petition against something I was involved with, trying to say me and the group were liars... and they were on my team. they were older than I was, and better, and they were suspended for the biggest game of the year. My coaches said they would always stand by them. I sat in my locker and cried because no one would ever stand up for me.

Its funny that now when I look back, all those years I spent with the same people every single day, i can't call my friend. You know there are people on derby who i've known for a little while, and can call them that.

I wish I was better and made more of an impression. Like, people didn't know I was a basketball player. And my team was GOOD.

All I ever wanted was to for someone to actually be jealous of how good I was. I wished that some kind of skill would just come naturally to me. I wish I fit in more.

All that blew away, and I graduated high school and moved to college. that was about it. My freshman year flashed by and I really didn't do much. I didn't make a lot of friends. I didn't go out and party. I had friends, but soon realized that I can't handle not relating people and hating the people, so I just stopped caring. If we weren't meant to be friends, I was done working.

Sophomore year came, I had a huge blowout and lost one of my best friends the summer before, and my other best friend was beyond busy and had a life and work and drama, and well, its a relationship that is odd, but we can not talk for a long time and just be okay with it. And as horrible as it sounds, out of sight, out of mind.

I'd been going through some phases where I wasn't happy with myself and wanted to impress people and wanted to do something with my life.

Then, for some reason I looked up if there was a roller derby in springfield...

there was. The Springfield RollerGirls, they had pictures of the girls on the teams with little "about me's" and I was so excited and it was the coolest thing in the world and I was going to do this and I was going to be good at it and i had to think of a name and blahblah look for cool skates and stuff blahblahsldfkadffl

so I thought it was the bees knees.

but I didn't think i would actually do it.

Jake came into town that weekend and we ended up going to best buy and getting kind of lost. On our way out, we ended up running into this roller rink, Skateport. We were all giddy and like "lets totally go skating" and walked up. I saw a bout poster on the window and was so stoked again. it was for the hometown throwdown at the end of October, featuring the Smashing Pumpkins and the Black Widows. They were home teams, which at the time i didn't know what that even meant.

We didn't go skating that Friday night, but we did on Saturday (the owner, Ted, said Friday was kind of for kids). That time was the first time I had ever roller skated. IT WAS A COMPLETE JOKE. Can we talk about how bad of a skater I am for a second? bad. Like, couldnt even get on to the actual skate part on the floor bad... like holding on to dear life to jake, while he was skating backwards and such...

I was basically a failure.

Needless to say, I went to the bout and was so stoked! I didn't understand what was going on, or any one, but I sat in the suicide seating, smelled the roller girl smell, and loved it.

I really wanted to do this shit, like had to.

So i started bitching and begging all of my friends to come to a practice with me. It was the Springfield RollerGirl off season, and they were allowing anyone to come in at any time.
My friends promised me tthey would go, specifically my good friend , but she always fell through. I had a class on Tuesday nights that would be until 8, while practice usually started at 7 or 8. I had made plans with my friend to go right after practice. I went into the room, and she was "to sleepy to go". I was PISSED. completely furious. but, i didn't go.

Let me now explain that I cant really do things on my own. I like to do things as a pair, especiallly when walking in to a room full of bad ass bitches who can skate their vagina off, while I can't even put the skates on correctly. Someone who WOULDN"T be watching me, but instead watching the floor with me.

THe next week we made the same plan again. I came back from the class nervous, but ready to go. She wasn't ready. I was all WHY ARENT YOU READY YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING blah, but her boyfriend was there, who of course was more important that I or my feelings. So what did I do?

I sat and pouted. then of course, jake told me to suck it up, be a man, and go. he was being super sweet and supportive and saying all these nice things. then I went.

I went to my first roller derby practice in jeans, by myself, no pads, and an hour late. Oh, and it was my second time ever putting roller skates on my feet.

Can i just say practicing in jeans is the worst ideas, ever.

I want to say it was Miss Chetty Boop who was the first person to greet me and make me sign all my forms. After that, I went and laced up my boots. there were other new people that were there, too when I walked in. A mother and daughter set, and I was clinging to them. Once we got to the floor, I noticed another newer girl : Sara Gripka, Kung Fu Gripka, but she could skate. So we had Psycho Suzy watching us girls skate around the outside of the men who were skating, and I was a nervous, butt crack showing wreck. I only skated for literally 20 minutes and was dying. Psycho Suzy made Sarah squat down while she pushed her around the outside, and in my mind i was like "if that bitch even tries to push me"... Okay, lets be honest, I was probably more like "oh my god please don't notice me."

I wanted really badly to be good, but I wasn't. I fell once, into the splits, badly, but other than that didn't do anything hard enough to actually fall...

I was completely exhilarated, and hooked.

The other new girls never really showed up, except for Sara, who quickly became one of my favorite people. We practiced together, stayed on the sidelines, gossiped a little, and did circles.

I want to thank her for keeping me in derby, because without a sidekick, i probably wouldn't have stayed.

Once again I was the slowest, the worst person playing a sport. and still am. Cross overs sucked, I didn't have my own skates for a long time, I couldnt find any pads that fit because they were way to small. I didn't have my knee pads for about 3 months into my derby career. thats a long time.

The day I paid my WFTDA insuarance and dues, i had a HARD fall, straight on my back, on the concrete.

In highschool, during my BEST GAME, where I scored over 24 points, I had a serious injury. On my way to do a lay up, a girl kneed me directly in the spine, and then I proceeded to land on my back. It was an odd happenings event. I ended up bruising my spine, and the muscles around it. I had to get physical therapy before every practice and game (which was every day). My muscles never got back to normal.

Now let me just say, without this injury, my back would still hurt like hell in derby. but this wasn't just derby, this was riding in a car, laying in my bed, sitting in class hurting. and in practice, I die inside. like alot. The muscles and nerves in my back conect to my legs, and then my back starts hurting, it swells and makes my feet/legs completely numb.

There are days when i get so pissed off at myself because I think I am making up excuses.
honestly, there are times when I wonder if my body is quitting, or if I am a quitter. and that really makes me upset and pissed and cry all in once because I thought I was stronger than that.

Derby has made me question a lot of things about myself.

There was one practice in particular that we were doing a warm up.. a FREAKING WARM UP. withing a couple of speed laps I was crying. like, full on crying. then I started crying because I was such a pussy! I heard one of the people who I look up to on the All Stars say "I think she is crying"... i was so ashamed. it was a really hard time for me to handle.

When I did my WFTDA Skills Test, I was paired up with veteran skaters. Why did this happen? I have no idea--- the new girls were testing on the other side, while I got paired up with people like Amtastic, T Ann T, Mary Lou Wretched, and others. I was beyond nervous, these are people who had done the tests before, could skate, could KILL, while I never had done any of it. Half of the things we tested, I had never even practiced. Hitting, Whips, some of the falls.

Luckily, Mallory Amis, Rusty Razorskates, was there looking over us, and I had to ask her tons of times what we were actually doing it. She was a huge help. When the 25 in 5 came up, I had to watch Khaos, a jammer, and keep her time. Of course, all the first set of veterans did there 25 in 5 under 4:20. All of them. It made me sick. This was my first ever attempt at it, and I was in the ring with Amtastic (she is fffffasssstttt). After the first 10 laps, which I did do in 2 minutes, I completely locked up. couldnt feel my legs. was litterally pusshing my legs with my hands.

One thing that came great out of this was the team support. Everyone, I mean EVERYONE was yelling for me (because i was the only one who hadn't done all 25 in like 3 minutes). I was dying, trying so hard, but only got to a dreadful 21 laps in 25. which was pretty good for me. I was just ashamed that all these people where rooting and being so nice and everything for me, and I had disappointed them.

The second time I tried the 25 in 5 I blew. HARD. like, I don't know what happened but got worse that my first time.

Then, i had to leave for summer.
and that is where I am at now.

STAY TUNED FOR NEXT POST.